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Quiet, please.

The noises are sometimes unbearable:

bathroom fan from the downstairs neighbor
a text coming into my phone
the garbage truck in the morning

Other noises are sometimes unbearable, too. These actually come from inside my own head:

commentary on my body size
chatter about my to-do list
conversations about what I've done right or wrong

It must be a good thing, for me to discover noises from within. Do I need to be medicated?

But I can't be the only one. There are those of us who are HSP's ("Highly Sensitive Person") and I know I'm one of them.

Yet, the aggravation has been heightened for me as of late. The other night I couldn't even walk into the living room until my husband turned off the newscaster who was yelling his news story.

I have meditative music on repeat, all day, with the hopes that it'll calm me the heck down, and bring me to some place of peace, and of gratitude. Sighh ... Gratitude is something hard to find when you're blaming the person who installed it for the sound of the bathroom fan in the apartment below you.

I've wondered if my sensitivities are heightened now that it's almost November in Portland? But I bought a Happy Light and upped my Vitamin D and B12 intake! hmm...Or if my nerves are on edge by living in a small apartment with a very tall man, making it seem like we're living in a dollhouse with teeny tiny rooms. If I had some acid, maybe I could just imagine it all away on a fun adventure, like Alice.

And the interrupting. I wonder if I am deliberately yet unconsciously interrupting my peace by tuning into extraneous noise. You really can't get anything done when you're interrupted, including getting the work done of being peaceful.

So if the inside voices were chilled out a bit, I wonder if some of the external stuff wouldn't bother me as much. That is definitely something for me to consider. I suppose I could ask them to listen to the meditative music I have playing all day long? I doubt they'd listen, they'd probably have some conversation about it instead.

Perhaps there is a heightened sensitivity in me just because things are off balance right now - I'm middle-aged (no!) and in a discerning state of new discovery, I'm letting go of old patterns and re-forming my dreams. My friends have kids going to college soon and I'm still taking care of the child known as me. I'm kind of in an unknown and not-definable place. I am traveling.

I am in the desert (in Portland? Confused).

When in the desert, you are bound to hear voices, I mean, there is NO ONE around but you. Every mystic who has traveled a desert has gained insights, grown spirituality, had a book written about them.

I don't want a book written about me; honestly, I just want some quiet.

Traveling solo, in the quiet of my desert-y world, after a long day of walking the sand, I imagine sitting at the table with all the parts of me. I'm gently reminding them that they too can relax, they too can breathe deeply and have some quiet time-outs.

I am so ready for the silence, to have a greater understanding of myself, and listen to my own still, small and sane voice. If I can tune in there, perhaps the little things won't unnerve me any longer. Or maybe they will, but the still, small and sane voice will somehow be louder.

May all this noise be interrupted ... with quiet.






















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