laurabsings

The noises are sometimes unbearable: bathroom fan from the downstairs neighbor a text coming into my phone the garbage truck in the morning Other noises are sometimes unbearable, too. These actually come from inside my own head: commentary on my body size chatter about my to-do list conversations about what I've done right or wrong It must be a good thing, for me to discover noises from within. Do I need to be medicated? But I can't be the only one. There are those of us who are HSP's ("Highly Sensitive Person") and I know I'm one of them. Yet, the aggravation has been heightened for me as of late. The other night I couldn't even walk into the living room until my husband turned off the newscaster who was yelling his news story. I have meditative music on repeat, all day, with the hopes that it'll calm me the heck down, and bring me to some place of peace, and of gratitude. Sighh ... Gratitude is something hard to find when you're...

I imagine it's not uncommon to envision living in different places. When I travel, it's become pretty common for me. I picture living in the city or town I'm visiting. I have my routine - checking rentals on Craigslist, seeing how many yoga studios there are, and of course, Are there Jews? A girl needs her tribe. I'm comfortable also blaming my friends for enabling me in the whole routine. In their defense they just want me to live where they live because they love me, & I get it. But it's tapping me out, this search for the ultimate home. "No place is perfect". Wise words from my wise mom. You can make a list of the pro's and con's of every last city in the USA and no one place will have everything you desire. And for me, the "everything I desire" can change and morph. I'm flexible and accommodating. I confuse myself even further. So I wonder what exactly it is I'm desiring - a city, a town, a farm, left or right coast....

It was a long time coming. A few years I think. Frustrated, uncomfortable, angry. Mostly frustrated. I know now that being frustrated for more than a few hours is long enough in my book. I see now that all the activity was really living within the realm of inactivity. I couldn't watch anymore, stand by, listen to what others had to say about everything. I just didn't care. And it's not that I don't value opinions, but I cared too much and lost my own voice. I become a watcher, I became inactive. I gained weight in all the wrong places. Temptation called. Shouldn't I be checking in, 'just to see'? Hmm ... Boredom ruled my hand. But I just couldn't participate any more. And I think I deactivated like five times until it was done. "Liberal Moaning" and "Religious Hypocrites", just a couple of ways to describe some. Lots of forwarding, and commenting, and arguing, and emotionally-fueled conversations. Looking at other people...

So lest you think I'm such the prolific writer that I'd churn out a dozen posts in one day ... All of the "Aug 24" posts below were actually written semi-sporadically over the last few years, posted in a few different blogs that are no longer active. Today, in an effort to create order and sanity (if possible), I copied and pasted them all into the new  laurabsings  blog. Everything is now in one cozy blog place. Virgos, I hear you, I see you.

So last night, my friends were talking about Disney World. Noooooo!!!!! ABSOLUTELY  NOT. It's my worst nightmare, literally. I am quite clear that I would never ever ever go again. It's just too overwhelming for me, too many people, too much hustle 'n bustle. Too expensive. Too smelly. Actually, the thought of it makes me itch. Ironically, just the other night we were watching Nurse Jackie, the episode where she describes rehab as Disney Land (or World, I forget). Oh, s**t, sorry for the leak. Um .... reverse spoiler alert! I know that Disney was a way of Jackie hiding the fact that she went to rehab, but two Disney's in one week. It's a sign! (Uggh, I feel sick. Disney queasy, like, ate a corn dog, drank Hawaiian Punch and went on the roller coaster, queasy). OK - what if I stayed open, open to Disney? I mean, I've managed (mostly very well) so far being in an overwhelming, bustling, people-filled world. If I can handle Disney, I can handle anythi...

At the Library recently there was a little girl in front of me in line checking out some videos with her dad. "This is my second time seeing White Fang!" she exclaimed. "Wow!" I said. "I bet you'll learning something new each time you see it!". She smiled and said, "You're like my dad; he said the same thing". Dad and I looked at each and exchanged smiles. "Kind of like life, huh?" I said. "Learning something new every day, An adventure!" I saw the back of her long blond locks as they turned to leave, and with that sweet little voice of promise, she exclaimed back to me, "Have a great adventure today!" There was nothing like it.

It's true. I cannot tell a lie. If you're looking to plan a surprise party, I'm not your gal, believe me. If you want my opinion about something, just ask. If you want to know who finished the Mint Chip, it was me. I cannot tell a lie. Well, I actually can, and that gets me into a lot of trouble. You see, it's been challenging for me in my life to own up to my misgivings, to take responsibility for my actions. I'm about 3 1/2 when it comes to this stuff. I'm realizing just how much I fear the consequences. Really, what could happen, someone might get mad? I'd get fired? I could get sent to my room? So I lie to myself, I make up stories about the story. Change it around a bit (who will know anyhow?). I pretend things are different. Twist and turn the idea of it all. Anything so I won't get into trouble, see others get mad, be the cause and reason for the world's demise (yes, it’s all MY fault). The truth as I know it is that when I'm not o...

I'm at my friend Karen's house, typing on her office computer. I love this room! So much light coming through the big window, a great vibey space. I just looked to my left out the window and outside there are the biggest widest leaves I've ever seen on this palm-tree type Cali plant. I mean, these leaves are HUGE. I honestly feel like I could get up on one of those leaves and slide on down like a Fairy in a Disney film into a delicious, pool of water. Splish splash, I am having a blast! And wouldn't you know it that just yesterday by the pool, I saw this very same plant, just from another angle, and from much further away. It looked just as magestic, and proud and green. Nothing Fairy-ish came to mind but I did marvel at its beauty. I am amazed by life: It never ever stops offering us opportunities to see from a different persepctive, to experience, and feel, and love, from all directions. Even in the familiar, there never ceases to be a way-in that's new. I...

I've been told that I bury my head in the sand when it comes to the news, world events, politics. Yes, it's true, I don't watch TV or read the news. I have had good intentions of being in-the-know, turning on and tuning in, but then I lose my interest shortly after my re-entry. Actually, it's not just that I lose interest, my body and soul actually screams "STOP IT NOW!". It disturbs me from the core. Why is that? Someone once told me that I just don't want to look at the dark sides of myself which are reflected in the day's reports. Ok, ok, I get it. The Shadow. But could that be the whole reason? I have a general feeling there is nothing new about the news. Nothing new, Ever. NEVER. In my opinion, it's just different places, different people, different advertisers, different outfits and hairstyles on the newscasters. Honestly - Can anyone actually argue the point that any given turn of events happening in 2010 did not ALSO happen in 1910,...

The wind has been furious these past few days. Its sound and movement truly frightens me, it always has. Branches are falling all around me, and then being wisked away with all sorts of other debris and soil, and the walls are creaking. Man, the whole thing is creepy. This morning, we had no caf - coffee. Not my perfect scenario, but I took my cup 'o low-test and headed back under the covers, and with the shades pulled up I stared through the dewy window pane from my downright position, I began to think about the trees - does it hurt them, all that movement? When they lose their branches, do they feel any sort of -- anything? The decaf was kicking in and I began to ponder life, and its movement. The breezy and sometimes harsh way it drifts and moves me, shakes me. Sometimes like a bay breeze, and sometimes like a hurricane. Sometimes leaving me stripped of all I've known, and sometimes letting me keep a little bud or two. Just like those trees outside (whether they know or ...

Last night before a concert in Seattle, I was speaking with my friend Stefan. We were talking about cities in the U.S. and what could be a good place for a creative songwriter like me to live. He said "go where you're fed". Not " move to blah blah blah, it's an Awesome place!" or "go here, I know 5 dozen people there who will make you famous". Go where I'm fed? Uggh. Of course, now a new handful of questions arise - What's feeding me? Who's feeding me? And where are they? What exactly DO I do and where will it be nourished?  But I know Stefan, and I'm most likely wasting some good brain and heart-space on questions. Because I bet his question was probably a little spiritual and philosophical and a nudge in my direction that I should go within. I think I need to let the idea of "go where you're fed" settle, spread out, find nooks and crannies and lodge itself to a place where it might grow a bit and dis...

I have been pondering the notion of "personal responsibility", taking just a moment each day to think about the things out there in the world that make me upset, things that trigger me and challenge my knowledge of fairness and equality, and - is it possible, could it be true, that what I see out there in the world is mirroring what's happening in here? Thanks for coming to the party, blame and projection, but it's time for you to go. Here's some Advil and cab fare. OK, so here's an example that came up for me yesterday, around this idea of "bringing it back to self": ME: "Don't the Occupy rally attendees know that they contributed to the economic challenges we're now facing? That it's not just the wealthy folks and the banks that have created the imbalance? Don't they remember all the stuff they bought on their credit cards, stuff they couldn't afford, stuff that's now piled high in the garage? Didn't some of ...

It's the end of January, 2013. I'm still detoxing from every dimension of the holiday season, yet there is the light. Literally. It's starting to get dark about an hour later now. This fills my body and mind with utter glee. Some terrible things have happened - Newtown broke me harder than 9/11. Physically,  my body, over the last 2 years or so, has been telling me in big aches and pains that it hasn't been happy with me. With a new album (yes, I said album) dropping (yes, I said dropping) in June, I am venturing out as a solo singer/songwriter for the first time in about 7 years.  I'm sad, and achy and scared sometimes, but I'm motivated now. Super motivated - but in a 'bucket-list' kind of way which scares the s**t out of me because it means I'm aware that I might actually drop dead tomorrow.  (sorry for the gloom and doom, it comes out every now and again) I suppose I'm feeling the push of life telling me how timely it is now t...

I spent this past week cleaning out the linen closet. Our linen closet doesn't just have linen-y stuff in it; over the years it's become a filing cabinet. A really disorganized, hanging-on-to-who-knows-what-from-the-80's filing cabinet. Knowing that the closet contained years and years of financial and career history within pounds and pounds of paper was making me crazy. So I pulled every last bit out. Holy crap. Since we don't have a shredder, I've been sitting on the floor, being a shredder, if you will. And as I've been sitting, shredding, reflecting on who I was in 1998, or where I was in 2001 when I paid that Verizon bill, the thought occurred to me - The reason I am shredding papers is because there are people out there who will steal your identity. They'll just take your name and info and try and benefit somehow from it. Immediately I became much older and judgmental in my thoughts: "What, they don't have anything better to do t...

Time and time again, I see the dance I dance and, dangit, it's crazy-making. There's a jig I do. It's mine and mine alone. It's not always the fun, shake my bootie, life is glorious dance. It's often more like the merry-go-round kind, with awful music in the 100+ summertime heat. Luckily as I age (not always gracefully), with each footstep and dance move, I'm perfecting my ability to tune in and see myself a little further from all the commotion. A little distance from the happenings. Ahh... This is a really good thing, to see a new way in, to choose a different place to lay the dance floor, to direct the stormfront a bit. With a little distance, the choices of things to say, feel, do in the moment seem a plenty. Usually I choose to stay in my comfortable little old dances, though, as if something about the swirling dance party storm I'm creating is comforting, and safe. When my dances turn into storms, maybe those storms are actually just what I...

I just re-read my last post. My level of honesty got me feeling a little queasy. I wondered if I should delete some stuff, but then thought "how would we know that there are others like us out there if no one shares?" and "if I let all this crazy talk stay in my head, I might have a nervous breakdown". Or something like that. There's not much I can do about it, the honesty thing. I've always been that way. I used to just blurt stuff out, at inopportune times. I suppose that's just a product of being young, or maybe I had some kind of social anxiety.  In any case, as I've gotten older, I've developed a keener sense of discernment, and censor when my insides tell me to, but I still try not to withhold too much, from others, and from myself. Some more honesty with ourselves could be amazing - we would leave the job or relationship sooner, get back to the gym, apologize more quickly. More honesty could temper the world, dissolve some of the iso...

Last week we went to see an incredible musical duo, husband and wife team, Johnny Swim. The songs, their voices, their dynamic. Totally amazing. Turns out, she is pregnant, which made the whole thing that much sweeter. I had an epiphany as we were walking back to the car after the show: I don't think I've had any "real" initiations in my life, big life events that signify a new direction, or a new phase. I mean, as a girl of course you have the entry into puberty, and then there's college, and first jobs, etc. But those experiences don't feel all so good to me in retrospect, and weren't marked with any consciousness. They sort of just happened. I was married before my current husband, so my second marriage didn't feel like one. And I haven't birthed a child and become a mom, so I didn't have that as a significant initiation either. I felt some sadness around this, in fact as I was sharing my thoughts with hubs I felt this wave of emotio...