two slices please.

No, not pizza, although ... YUM.

Two slices of bread. 

I made a sandwich today. Not a one slice hoping-the-sandwich-stuff-doesn't fall-on-the-plate version, but a two slices kind, one that secures all the good middle stuff. 

The one-slice sammy is something super familiar to me, and to be honest has not always been the healthiest choice, emotionally-speaking. It has been a design to keep me "on track", carb-controlling, monitoring all that enters this body. My go-to on managing change, stress, fear ... Old stuff that shows up now and again. More on that in a bit.

The two slices for lunch today secured the sandwich stuff and surprisingly also made ME feel secure, held, cozy and present. 

Oh bread, you are a great teacher.

See, I've spent the better part of my tweendom 'til now counting, monitoring, restricting:

How much did I eat?

How many calories was that?

Do I look OK? 

Are they judging me? 

Am I judging me?

Somewhere along my path I stopped enjoying food, forgot the pleasure in it, how it nourishes. Food came with sadness. Pounds became an indicator of success, getting bigger wasn't a good thing. Rounder was failure. Small was victorious.

I've told myself that eating disordering is no longer a part of my life, yet ... that wave still rolls in now and again.

But not today.

So I'm eating my sandwich and pondering. Interesting how I chose two slices because in my life right now things have been swiftly changing, pulling me, urging me to grow so that I might serve more dynamically in my life, and in our world. You'd think I'd jump into my defaulting. 

No! It was two slices today.

Yes, there are so many unknowns always. Change is ever-present for us all yet I have the years and some wisdom to know that this time I'm gonna be in these unknown waters and also practice detachment, speak my "this or something better" mantra, allow all the feelings to feel me, pull myself open, and grow into my calling, despite the unknowns and fears and ... should I have had just one slice?! 

We all have ways of managing stress and change and yes, I could have chosen one slice. But a for-real two-slice sandwich, well, it just felt right. It was comforting. It was freedom. Nobody, not even me, would dare make a sound, or a comment. Just me, and my lunch, and a clearer sense of who I am.

It'll all be alright, this I know.

I am growing, which means all parts of me feel kind of exposed right now. There is a part of me still chattering and selling me on staying safe: "what are you doing?? you ALWAYS make a one-slice sandwich!"

Well, monkey-in-my-mind, I chose what I most needed today. A lot comes with life changes ... all the fear, grief, you name it, and my body, mind and spirit needed nourishment, acceptance, pleasure. It needed a release of the old stuff, it needed a cozy bread blanket today. 

Some pieces of sandwich filling fell on the plate, too. Perhaps an outward example of my newly balanced inside: feeling safe and secure during these times of changes, and being the adventurous wild child I am, excited for the new things I can't see yet. And letting some parts of me fall, exposed, while some remain protected, contained.

Growing up and out. Being held by love, grace, faith. 

Letting go of the old familiar patterns that served a purpose years ago.

Knowing I deserve nourishment, pleasure, safety. 

Yesssss ... and next time, bbq chips, too.