laurabsings

The noises are sometimes unbearable: bathroom fan from the downstairs neighbor a text coming into my phone the garbage truck in the morning Other noises are sometimes unbearable, too. These actually come from inside my own head: commentary on my body size chatter about my to-do list conversations about what I've done right or wrong It must be a good thing, for me to discover noises from within. Do I need to be medicated? But I can't be the only one. There are those of us who are HSP's ("Highly Sensitive Person") and I know I'm one of them. Yet, the aggravation has been heightened for me as of late. The other night I couldn't even walk into the living room until my husband turned off the newscaster who was yelling his news story. I have meditative music on repeat, all day, with the hopes that it'll calm me the heck down, and bring me to some place of peace, and of gratitude. Sighh ... Gratitude is something hard to find when you're...

I imagine it's not uncommon to envision living in different places. When I travel, it's become pretty common for me. I picture living in the city or town I'm visiting. I have my routine - checking rentals on Craigslist, seeing how many yoga studios there are, and of course, Are there Jews? A girl needs her tribe. I'm comfortable also blaming my friends for enabling me in the whole routine. In their defense they just want me to live where they live because they love me, & I get it. But it's tapping me out, this search for the ultimate home. "No place is perfect". Wise words from my wise mom. You can make a list of the pro's and con's of every last city in the USA and no one place will have everything you desire. And for me, the "everything I desire" can change and morph. I'm flexible and accommodating. I confuse myself even further. So I wonder what exactly it is I'm desiring - a city, a town, a farm, left or right coast....

It was a long time coming. A few years I think. Frustrated, uncomfortable, angry. Mostly frustrated. I know now that being frustrated for more than a few hours is long enough in my book. I see now that all the activity was really living within the realm of inactivity. I couldn't watch anymore, stand by, listen to what others had to say about everything. I just didn't care. And it's not that I don't value opinions, but I cared too much and lost my own voice. I become a watcher, I became inactive. I gained weight in all the wrong places. Temptation called. Shouldn't I be checking in, 'just to see'? Hmm ... Boredom ruled my hand. But I just couldn't participate any more. And I think I deactivated like five times until it was done. "Liberal Moaning" and "Religious Hypocrites", just a couple of ways to describe some. Lots of forwarding, and commenting, and arguing, and emotionally-fueled conversations. Looking at other people...

So lest you think I'm such the prolific writer that I'd churn out a dozen posts in one day ... All of the "Aug 24" posts below were actually written semi-sporadically over the last few years, posted in a few different blogs that are no longer active. Today, in an effort to create order and sanity (if possible), I copied and pasted them all into the new  laurabsings  blog. Everything is now in one cozy blog place. Virgos, I hear you, I see you.

So last night, my friends were talking about Disney World. Noooooo!!!!! ABSOLUTELY  NOT. It's my worst nightmare, literally. I am quite clear that I would never ever ever go again. It's just too overwhelming for me, too many people, too much hustle 'n bustle. Too expensive. Too smelly. Actually, the thought of it makes me itch. Ironically, just the other night we were watching Nurse Jackie, the episode where she describes rehab as Disney Land (or World, I forget). Oh, s**t, sorry for the leak. Um .... reverse spoiler alert! I know that Disney was a way of Jackie hiding the fact that she went to rehab, but two Disney's in one week. It's a sign! (Uggh, I feel sick. Disney queasy, like, ate a corn dog, drank Hawaiian Punch and went on the roller coaster, queasy). OK - what if I stayed open, open to Disney? I mean, I've managed (mostly very well) so far being in an overwhelming, bustling, people-filled world. If I can handle Disney, I can handle anythi...

At the Library recently there was a little girl in front of me in line checking out some videos with her dad. "This is my second time seeing White Fang!" she exclaimed. "Wow!" I said. "I bet you'll learning something new each time you see it!". She smiled and said, "You're like my dad; he said the same thing". Dad and I looked at each and exchanged smiles. "Kind of like life, huh?" I said. "Learning something new every day, An adventure!" I saw the back of her long blond locks as they turned to leave, and with that sweet little voice of promise, she exclaimed back to me, "Have a great adventure today!" There was nothing like it.

It's true. I cannot tell a lie. If you're looking to plan a surprise party, I'm not your gal, believe me. If you want my opinion about something, just ask. If you want to know who finished the Mint Chip, it was me. I cannot tell a lie. Well, I actually can, and that gets me into a lot of trouble. You see, it's been challenging for me in my life to own up to my misgivings, to take responsibility for my actions. I'm about 3 1/2 when it comes to this stuff. I'm realizing just how much I fear the consequences. Really, what could happen, someone might get mad? I'd get fired? I could get sent to my room? So I lie to myself, I make up stories about the story. Change it around a bit (who will know anyhow?). I pretend things are different. Twist and turn the idea of it all. Anything so I won't get into trouble, see others get mad, be the cause and reason for the world's demise (yes, it’s all MY fault). The truth as I know it is that when I'm not o...