Skip to main content

Decisions, Decisions.

For several months now, I've known that something big is happening. Haven't been able to put my finger on exactly what it is, if it's career related, family related. It just feels big, and it's happening.

It's also happening for so many of my friends. I keep asking around, "Do you feel like something big is happening?" And they answer "Yessssss!"

How could something big be happening to so many of us simultaneously, in April/May of 2016? I think there was some planetary stuff, or maybe the election is making us all rethink everything. But really - I mean, it's not like the same exact big thing could be happening to all of us. How could that be? We're all holding onto the same string that's attached to a big balloon and floating together above the US?

Whew, it's all kind of amazing, and kind of freaking me out.

Aaaaand ... Too much thinking.

Usually I expend energy trying to figure out what exactly the unknown is (in this case, "bigness") so I can proceed in doing things in support of that thing, or decide what "it" is, so I can create a nice, white picket fence, feel safe. OK,  it's a little ... hmf hmf ... control freakiness.

Trusting-the-universe's-plan-for-me type of faith and groundedness is not really how I'm built. Up until now anyhow. It can be unnerving to await, and allow quiet and calm in, and to see with new eyes, and to imagine all new things, or a new plan for my life without having to have any answers or direction. Just. To. Trust.

This bigness feeling, whatever and whoever and whyever it is, has changed me. I actually don't want to know what it is, which is part of why it's big I suspect. A new me is growing as a result of this big thing, or the big thing is forcing me to grow.

No more thinking!

I just want to continue experiencing the feeling of joy and greatness and expansion that it's bringing forth from me.

What a wildly different approach from how I've operated up until this point; It's like I've been substituting Kava tea for my coffee in the morning (for those who don't know Kava, just ask at Whole Foods.) I literally don't want to make a decision about anything, well, maybe some decisions like holding myself to some kind of schedule, setting little goals, getting exercise, doing good deeds and having fun.

You're built how you're built, and I do need to know a few things. If I don't decide on at least a few things, my life will consist solely of sleeping and eating, so this kind of nicely paced day-to-day decision making I can trust.

But I want to not decide what this bigness is. To reign in the invisible big energy that's encompassing me right now, to name it, put it in a box, steer it - well, I wonder if that would actually diminish its potential, and very well diminish mine.

Yet, there is still the me who wants to know ... c'mon!

What to do, what to do ...

Verily I say unto thee: Nothing at all.


  1. I identify a lot with all this , and often wonder the same ... very good.

  2. Sounds like a good time for a glass of wine. :)


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

two slices please.

No, not pizza, although ... YUM. Two slices of bread.  I made a sandwich today. Not a one slice hoping-the-sandwich-stuff-doesn't fall-on-the-plate version, but a two slices kind, one that secures all the good middle stuff.  The one-slice sammy is something super familiar to me, and to be honest has not always been the healthiest choice, emotionally-speaking. It has been a design to keep me "on track", carb-controlling, monitoring all that enters this body. My go-to on managing change, stress, fear ... Old stuff that shows up now and again. More on that in a bit. The two slices for lunch today secured the sandwich stuff and surprisingly also made ME feel secure, held, cozy and present.  Oh bread, you are a great teacher. See, I've spent the better part of my tweendom 'til now counting, monitoring, restricting: How much did I eat? How many calories was that? Do I look OK?  Are they judging me?  Am I judging me? Somewhere along my path I stopped enjoying food, forgo

One potato, Two potato

Yesterday I was sifting through a bag of little red potatoes, picking out the ones that weren't soft. For some reason I just thought the soft ones weren't good any more. I honestly don't know where I learned that. In any case, I sifted, and at the end of my bad potato-be-gone escapade, I had about a dozen "good" ones and a big pile of "bads" that I threw in the trash. I stared at the trash, the little soft ones forming a potato layer of insulation for the garbage below it. And I had a blast of thought - about my grandfather, and him and his family being so poor and only having potatoes to eat. And then it popped into my head, a potato famine that impacted the Irish so horribly. I wondered if, like me, they all thought the soft potatoes weren't good to eat? I think their parameters and circumstances were completely and utterly different. I also can't assume that they didn't have their own experience of privilege (like mine of trash

It's not always black and white.

When I arrived in Oregon eight years ago, it was an adjustment. We are from New York. End of post. Kidding. I noticed, and wasn't afraid to ask: "Where are all the black people?". Now asking a question like this came from an honest and innocent place inside me. And it also might be offensive to some. I understand the implications yet I'm still sharing this story because what followed was pretty impactful for me. New York is a port where peoples from all nations arrived to make a better life. They brought with them sadness for families left behind, excitement for new beginnings, and culture, food and language. Like folks who traveled to this West side of the country to explore new frontiers, there are new beginnings. Different experiences of it, but still important to note a similar story of leaving the nest for something better. New York is very different than Oregon because of the diversity of the influx of different cultures who arrived, and as a res