laurabsings

The noises are sometimes unbearable: bathroom fan from the downstairs neighbor a text coming into my phone the garbage truck in the morning Other noises are sometimes unbearable, too. These actually come from inside my own head: commentary on my body size chatter about my to-do list conversations about what I've done right or wrong It must be a good thing, for me to discover noises from within. Do I need to be medicated? But I can't be the only one. There are those of us who are HSP's ("Highly Sensitive Person") and I know I'm one of them. Yet, the aggravation has been heightened for me as of late. The other night I couldn't even walk into the living room until my husband turned off the newscaster who was yelling his news story. I have meditative music on repeat, all day, with the hopes that it'll calm me the heck down, and bring me to some place of peace, and of gratitude. Sighh ... Gratitude is something hard to find when you're...

I imagine it's not uncommon to envision living in different places. When I travel, it's become pretty common for me. I picture living in the city or town I'm visiting. I have my routine - checking rentals on Craigslist, seeing how many yoga studios there are, and of course, Are there Jews? A girl needs her tribe. I'm comfortable also blaming my friends for enabling me in the whole routine. In their defense they just want me to live where they live because they love me, & I get it. But it's tapping me out, this search for the ultimate home. "No place is perfect". Wise words from my wise mom. You can make a list of the pro's and con's of every last city in the USA and no one place will have everything you desire. And for me, the "everything I desire" can change and morph. I'm flexible and accommodating. I confuse myself even further. So I wonder what exactly it is I'm desiring - a city, a town, a farm, left or right coast....

It was a long time coming. A few years I think. Frustrated, uncomfortable, angry. Mostly frustrated. I know now that being frustrated for more than a few hours is long enough in my book. I see now that all the activity was really living within the realm of inactivity. I couldn't watch anymore, stand by, listen to what others had to say about everything. I just didn't care. And it's not that I don't value opinions, but I cared too much and lost my own voice. I become a watcher, I became inactive. I gained weight in all the wrong places. Temptation called. Shouldn't I be checking in, 'just to see'? Hmm ... Boredom ruled my hand. But I just couldn't participate any more. And I think I deactivated like five times until it was done. "Liberal Moaning" and "Religious Hypocrites", just a couple of ways to describe some. Lots of forwarding, and commenting, and arguing, and emotionally-fueled conversations. Looking at other people...