In my life, I've loved you more.

I can't stop myself from giving. It's a thing.

Well, it's been a thing.

It's gone a little too far, though.

I've had some really good months of nothing planned, just me getting re-nested after many years of extensive travel. Cleaning, purging, relaxing. Reading, writing. Cooking, baking. And there's some wine, I'm not gonna lie.

All part of creating a space to receive, to receive myself.

The "going a little too far in the gift department" is what's prompted this quiet settling. Like so many of us, I've been doing-doing-doing for a long long time. Just doing what I've been doing, without much thought at all as to whether or not the doing is actually doing something for me.

I'm often told what a difference I make for folks with my music and singing, and how it's clear that I'm doing exactly what I was put here to do. I know this is true, but it's not all of me and I know now that I've let it be all of me.

Just a bit of forgetting who I am.

There's a voice inside me - not just the singing kind - but a voice that's pretty sure a new way to live and be and do my own life is essential now. I don't know even why I need everyone to know this, but I do - there are other wants, desires and needs in me that you, or I for that matter, don't know anything about yet.

I know I shouldn't drive my life based on what others think. And I know I'm responsible for every step I take. Even the steps that, in retrospect, didn't lead me to feeling balanced, or healthy, or aligned with my life values. But it was I who did said "yes".

But I was exhausted. And drained. And lifeless. Really knowing I needed to stop and breathe, I got off my wild and crazy train and made a formal proclamation for myself -

I DECIDE.

More like an imperative statement actually, a statement that I know now has saved me.

Even though I've been solely responsible for my decisions, I wasn't really intentional or conscious of those decisions. So when you actually proclaim that it is YOU who decides about your life, all prior bets are off. It's a pretty ballsy thing, to proclaim something on your own behalf but sometimes you just gotta strap on a pair.

I can't do what I'm doing and be who I'm being because others tell me that's what they think is right for me. And I can't be an unconscious yes-er, and give of myself so fiercely without allowing some of that giving to be received by me. And I can't pretend that it's a-OK to continue with my day-to-day when I feel kind of asleep and disconnected from it.

Danggit!! I wrote a song about this (Know What You're Here For). JEESH.

What are you gonna do. I'm still learning or else I wouldn't be blogging. I see all of this as a super duper yodel for Re-Invention. I'm listening and life is saying that there isn't a minute to spare doing anything I don't want to do, or worrying that I might disappoint someone who has an expectation of me, or judging my own thoughts and decisions.

Or OK, do all that, because I'm human, and then change my mind about it. But the trick is I must change my mind, pause, and decide what is right for me. Then move forward ... because losing me in the tide isn't right or fair.

Whose life is it anyway?

In my life now, I wanna love me more.